So drunk its hurt
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
