So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My vagina just recognized that song.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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