I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
