I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
