if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
