I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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