I want to make a zoo with you.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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