so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
