I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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