How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Oh god it's open bar.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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