I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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