my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
