A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
