i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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