I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
