Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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