my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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