If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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