A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
