I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
