whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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