am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
