Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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