Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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