I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
