I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
