hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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