If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
