I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
