and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
