He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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