I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
