she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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