Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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