youre lurking in front of me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
