im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
