I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
