Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
