Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
