There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
