god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
