When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
false alarm, still single
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
