when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
