instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
