sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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