You're my little dorito
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
