she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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