I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
