I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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