shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
