I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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